One year anniversary.

One year ago I had a stroke.  Soon after I went into my doctors office (if you are in Seattle and need an excellent neurologist -- send me an email). Unable to walk straight, unable to stay awake and alert for more than a couple hours, entirely overwhelmingly terrified with how my future had just changed...  my doc cleared boxes off an exam table (he had just moved into a new office), told me I wasn't on the right meds (given to me a week before by the hospital), told me they had misdiagnosed my type of stroke (nerds), and then looked me in the eye and said " In one year you won't even know this happened."  Meaning that I would have no visible outward remnants of part of my brain being dead.  I remember thinking he WAS NUTS... but he wasn't.  Today I am close to how I was pre-stroke.  Other than I weigh less, have a bit of short term memory spaciness, my muscle mass is different, I say things "differently" at times, and am on cursed cursed prescription drugs.  But who's to say I wouldn't be a little ditzy and tongue-tied at this point anyway? 
There always will be the life shift that happened on that day.  I went from being in control of everything... farm, kids, finances, future -- to being in charge of not hitting the door jamb with the left side of my body when I walked through a door.  I learned to accept help from others.   My way of looking at life, disability, and independence took a tumble toward the real.  You know, that we are not actually in control?  I am very good at ignoring the unpleasant.  Probably why I can own an old house... I can just merrily trudge through my home repair to-do list as an oblivious optimist.  I read sometimes that when people survive something drastic they change their look on life. ( I have Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying, " going through my head right now).  I thought all these life changing thoughts for about nine months and then realized : I wouldn't do anything different.  This is the life I would lead if I knew I was going to die in a year.  All the mistakes I've made, all the successes, my failed marriage... I wouldn't do it differently.  I've got great kids, love where we live, have always had jobs that were ones I picked for interest and luckily supported me.  I have not solved any world issues.  I don't know how to stop young men from taking guns and harming strangers.  I have not found the cure for cancer.  But I have lived, gave friends hugs, had long conversations with my ma, laughed until I peed my pants (wait, should I be typin' that?), watched my kids grow with pride and love.  I guess I don't record what is important to me anymore as the accomplishments that list my resume, and I used to.  That is not what I will take to my grave, and that is certainly not what I thought of when I was in the hospital waiting for my stroke to do its damage.
Best to you all.

Leaving

I am heading out to Minneapolis for a week for a conference.  This is for my museum skillset -- the American Association of Museums-- and a gal friend was supposed to speak at it.  I thought it would be good to see how my new brain would do, since this was easy as punch information pre-stroke.  I am curious how my brain processes things now.
The hard part is leaving the kids and farm.  You cannot believe the to-do list I have. The kids dad will be staying here, and now that Rose is a driver (did I mention she got her license??) it should be easier.  Still moms will be moms and I am fretting about Wilder feeding his guinea pigs, Rose locking the chickens up at night... the garden being watered... on and on and on.
Once I get on that plane it will all be a non-issue!  But right now I am Type A 'ing.

Meet only person who has ever hollered YAY about a head tumor

A week ago Rose had her first debate competition. I was a judge. It was crammed full of high schoolers from Washington, noisy, action-packed. I was there 12 hours and after two hours could not be in the building without sunglasses. It is as if my brain was screaming, and when I put sunglasses on it quieted down. Other judges non-stop conversations put me on edge also.
I went out to the car, and silence, a couple times to maintain. Sunday, I got bouts of vertigo. That was one of the symptoms of my pre-stroke so I was concerned. My usual behavior (pre-stroke) was to push onward, but on Sunday night I knew to take symptoms seriously and go to the hospital. I waited until I dropped off the kids at school on Monday and hopped on a ferry to my neurologists hospital. (Sidebar: If there was a true emergency, I would call 911. But not without alot of reservations. Last time I called was for a different stroke symptom (my low low bloodpressure skyrocketed to 200/120), they did an EKG in my driveway, the first thing they said to me was "Have I been drinking" and the fellow ACTUALLY BLUSHED when he had to put on the sticky heart things when I lifted my shirt. I think your medical professionals should have enough experience to know they are there to do a job, not get a date. They also said that the hospital would not do anything... I've been there, and agree.) Back to my Seattle hospital...
At my docs hospital I was whizzed through blood tests, x-rays and MRI in less than an hour. My neurologist was immediately contacted.
After a while, the emergency room doctor came in and said "I think we know why you are dizzy, you have a brain tumor." I kid you not, I yelled YAY! Because a tumor I (think) I can deal with. It is finite, there is a beginning and an end to it, and protocol of how to handle it. The stroke already has me dealing with updating my will and the unpredictability of life. I have no fear left for the tumor... I think it's been all used up on the stroke.
The tumor gives a valid reason I am having these stroke-like symptoms. It also shows the doctors I am not making this shit up. I don't know how patients can deal... with PT's, doctors, that hear symptom after symptom which is repetitive for them and normal... but first timer patients are traumatized . I have been on tenterhooks since having a stroke in July. Since this is the first time in my life my bevy of doctors did not look me in the eye and say "You will be fine," I take that to mean (note my usual exaggeration) "You are one step away from the grave." At no time in my zero to age 46 medical visits has a doctor not said I will be fine, now they cannot, because they don't know. The stroke has put a wrinkle in my long term lifespan, my projected end date has just moved closer according to insurance statistics. I don't like that, but as every single solitary person on this planet will face the same thing at some point, it is not something I can argue with. I am learning to look at things differently... a paradigm shift of sorts.
For the record, it is not in my brain, but in my head.... a common tumor, slow growing, usually benign, not the type to move into the lymphatic system. I will have to do something, either take it out or gamma knife it. I was somewhat overwhelmed with stroke knowledge... since I know nothing about them, now I am in a whole new territory. Ah well, at least I like learning new things.

The Wonders of Craigslist - House History Found

Pictures: Top, the Blue Shoe Farm's property at the turn of the 20th century. Mid: Bernice thought this was my home... I am not so sure. Bottom: Property today. The drippy tree is an old old birch.

The last couple weeks I have been craigslisting my extra apples. Hundreds of apples from two hundred year old trees. I had Guy and his 80+ mom Bernice come over for some apples, told me what kind they were (Kings and Transparents) and Bernice asked if I lived in the Paulson house. I affirmed I did, and she said she has lived in the brothers 1903 house since 1930 and that our two properties were (originally) next to each other. Now there is a gravel pit, highway, housing development and industrial area between us. My property stayed fairly intact due to another family buying it and running a dairy, until large scale farming left our county in the 1980's. The dairy had a hard time when zoning changes came in, and when they sold a developer bought it and chopped up the land. I love these random unexpected stories about my house! Another craigslist genius moment.

Having a Stroke Part 2 - To the hospital

A teenager with standard issue smalltown eye makeup, a mom with no makeup and a 11-year old with a big smile!
At this point none of us are calling this a stroke. We are driving down the road, and Wilder starts calling people. Some of these memories are loosely running around in my head and I don't have the tightest grip on them. Like where did he get the wherewithall to call friends and family? Once he dialed my friend Lisa, and she determined he was not kidding she told him to hang up and dial 9-1-1. 9-1-1 had Rose pull the car over to the side of the freeway while the operator kept Wilder talking. I was awake and alert enough to worry when the aid car and firetruck pulled up... the firetruck blocking the right lane of traffic around a bend in the freeway... that it was not parked in the safest spot. We left the car, and the kids and I got in the aid car. I don't know if it was good or bad but my kids being there kept me from being drawn into the quiet of my brain. There was something powerful wanting me to tune out --no anxiety, no fear. But strongly present was what my kids were seeing, and feeling, and their fear. That is why I stayed present, to allay their concern, to show that mom was okay. On to the hospital emergency where they laid me out, asked me my name, birthday, where I was. The stroke symptoms were coming and going, I lost left side function five or six times that morning. Various medical personnel threw out opinions why I was having them from the aid car personnel to nurses, and all suggested stroke like symptoms due to.... ready? Oh yes my favorite : perimenopause. I was taken downstairs for an MRI. I remember it was a sad room in need of paint, and a portly man sat in a windowless room watching. I had to take off my jewelry, and it took FOREVER to get off earrings and a pendant. My hand was not able to negotiate the clasp or earring backs, it was present and working, but would not navigate the job. I only knew this because I could not take them off, my brain was under the impression that my hand was doing just fine. This is one of the strangest cognitive changes... my mind thinks everything is operating as it should when it is not. Also, why the hell didn't I have help? The orderly who rolled me down to MRI was gone.
Into the machine, which was a trip in my current state. I actually thought the different noises were a type of music so it would not be boring for the patient. When I had another MRI a week later I realized the loud blasts of sound were definitely not music. Just shows that the brain has an amazing ability to compensate, cope and justify. The MRI was done, I was wheeled back upstairs and Lisa and her kids had arrived from Seattle. Our sons are the same age so they went off to get food. The kids dad arrived soon after from a different ferry. My mom was notified in Michigan, and she got the nurse on the phone to make sure they knew that I "drank alot of coffee." We got several days of humor out of that one, thanks Ma! A doctor came in the room and had me spell world backwards. This was a favorite game of Rose and mine when she was in elementary school - "backwards spelling bee." Infinity, Mississippi, Precocious, pick any big word and spell it backwards. He said world, and I thought SIMPLE! But I could not do it. I couldn't see the word in my head. I couldn't see the letters. I couldn't group the sounds. I also had sporadic bouts of not talking. And zoning out, not really sleeping, but off in la la land. Every hour they came in and did neurological tests, and every time they asked me to spell world backwards. I think by this time Rose and Wilder had been through my whole contact list and notified everyone. My blood pressure was elevated due to the stroke so they gave me something to lower it, then I was wheeled upstairs into a shared room. The same doctor that intimated that I could just be having some hormonal issues then came in and said very seriously... "well, you have had a stroke." And they would keep me for 24 hours and watch me since "any damage will occur during the next 24 hours" he then asked if I had any questions and left. My memory is not highly accurate from this era of strokehood, but I do remember being dumbfounded. And that he could't answer any questions that we posed. Rose's best friend and mother came by. The staff took me for a scan of my arteries and heart. Rose recognized a staffperson who worked in the hospital as being "the wasted funny woman at the 4th of July!" -- that is small town living for you! She said she was sorry to see me under these circumstances. To digress as I always do, that 4th of July was a great education for Rose on being drunk. Since everyone there but us was plowed and exhibiting all the classic types of drunk : from the I love you, man, to sad, to dangerous (carrying a open fire pit with a blazing fire on the back of a truck) to crazy, beligerant, and foul mouthed. It was nothing I could have taught her by telling her the intricacies of alcohol, she got to see it in all its stupid glory.
Anyway, back to stroke. Basically they were admitting me to the hospital for observation and stabilization. After a few hours everyone went home, that is when it got rough. What kept me together was a nurse named Sarah. Or I think her name was Sarah. My friend Lisa had drawn a picture of me on a horse on a whiteboard behind my bed. When Sarah was in folding my discarded clothes she commented on my pants and said she had a pair and loved them. I said they were great for riding because my childbirth pooch doesn't hang over the top, they are high enough. She laughed and agreed, turns out she had a horse too. I don't remember what we talked about regarding the stroke, but I remember her hug was deep and warm, and it felt like everything might be okay. I told her I felt like a sitting duck just waiting for brain damage to occur as the doctor said, and the fear I had for my children. Somehow she calmed me and listened. She also normalized things by bringing in her phone with pics of her horse and told me how she got it. Again, that the world did not just end, there are still stories being made, horses being ridden. It is wonderful to be pulled out of my own space into the bigger world. The nurse the next day told me Sarah used to be a bartender, so has finely honed listening skills. It was perfect for me, and the only manageable moment I remember from the hospital. That and my friend Evelyn's visit the next day, where she advocated for me and told me stories. My night nurse was brought over from another department, and not the brightest bulb. It is sad that me having had a stroke noticed the diminished mental capacities of someone taking care of me. Like when I told her in the wee hours of the morning that my blood pressure was too low... she didn't know that. But I survived the hospital and its parade of hush voiced PT's, OT's, and doctors.

Having A Stroke - Part 1

I get asked alot about my stroke -- if I knew I was having a stroke, what it was like, how it happened. Looking back on it I see now that there were episodes leading up to it that were red flags. Slightly elevated blood pressure for about three years. Pounding heart and uneven beats for about two years. Four visual migraines the week before. The visual migraines - losing sight with no pain- started after the birth of our son around age 35, and I only have one every two to three years.
The migraines and extreme sudden dizziness that happened two days before were the big flags, but with most things got brushed off. Called my doctor. Heart palpitations? The medicine I was on for my blood pressure. The migraines? Menopause or allergies. In fact, many symptoms were explained away by perimenopause.
After the first dizzy spell on a Monday, where the world suddenly reeled, spun and then stopped, I knew something was different. It felt like being on sudafed... kinda like there is a big fuzz over my brain. That evening, I had a dinner to attend, and I remember it was all I could do to pay attention to what was being said. I was very tired, and things became "simple". I had that feeling many times pre and post stroke, the world becomes compartmentalized, and simpler. I realize now after reading about it that is because the brain has to pay attention to everything -- the part of cognition that is automatic and running in the background, i.e. The tv is on, someone is doing the dishes, the telephone rings, the dog is hovering 'cause she's hungry, someone is talking to you.... is altered. Whereas before all those things could be occurring at the same time and you isolate the conversation, my brain couldn't isolate anymore, and all of life's happenings came in at the same importance level. It was simple, because basically I could only focus on one thing at a time.
On Wednesday morning, I woke up and had my regular cup of coffee. After about five minutes it did not taste good anymore so I set it aside. I felt dizzy in the bathroom so went outside to feed the chickens and horses and it lightened and went away. Wilder had a doctor's appointment and so we were getting ready to go. I walked to the front door, knowing something was not right, but forged on. Wilder came outside with me to get in the car and asked if I was alright. I had been speaking to him with a slur, and was having left side failure. My brain was sending the words out correctly, but my mouth could not navigate creation of the sounds. I have not forgotten the look of fear on my son's face when he looked at me and said something's wrong. That's when I told him to get his sister to drive me to the hospital. She ran downstairs in her pajamas. (She didn't change out of them until the evening when her dad took her home) I decided I should go to the bathroom first. That is when I had major left side failure. I started standing up from the toilet and sliding to the left toward the wall and floor. I remember thinking that something was not working right and being somewhat surprised... like What?! Oh no you didn't... you are getting your butt up. I still remember the will it took to get my body upright -- my leg shaking and my brain solely focused on being upright -- but I was not going to traumatize the kids further. And really, what would be more traumatic than a mumbly mom on the floor of the bathroom with her pants down? The stroke at this point was coming and going, I was having intermittent left side failure. This is also possibly due to an embolic ischemic stroke, a clot that comes from the heart, and then dissipates into many little clots. Reminds me of the Angry Birds bird that starts out as a single, but breaks into several smaller bombs. (This stroke cause is a possibility, not a definite. They still don't know why I had a stroke, but are narrowing the options.) Next up: To the hospital.
Pictures: Prestroke. Put me in front of a camera and I cannot be straight. The one of me maniacally laughing was actually supposed to be my author bio photo. It was not chosen since I look insane.

Heaven in a House Organizer

Being that I have lately been occupied otherwise, I am ashamed to say housecleaning has not been high on my priority list. Bills, paperwork, kid school papers, books, clean laundry and dustbunnies seem to be breeding and laying themselves about the house. So I found Victoria. Blessed, blessed Victoria. Through Craigslist, there was a listing for housecleaner and professional organizer. What?? Those sounded like mad skills that I needed to borrow so I gave her a call. A petite, energetic, professional woman came to talk with me about what I needed done and leave me references. I hired her the next day. OMIGOD my house is lovely. She blazed through My Whole House upstairs and down in three days. Cupboards, kid rooms, kitchen I swear it has not looked like this since we moved in. We are tackling my basement and garage next. NEVER have I been this excited to clean. Rose said Victoria should start a religion and be a god so people could openly worship her.... I said if she were a man I would fall in love. And I adore my house again. Which I already did, but I love it MORE.
Stroke news, PT and OT are a blast. Some first diagnosis are my brain has lost the ability to allow communication between my left hip and torso making me walk uneven, and "one of the many doors" of language processing has died. I have very high function things gone, so it is not obvious I had a stroke. Like that lame-o sentence "high function things" I can't think what PT Megan called it but hopefully you get the gist. Example: I can call out car colors when they drive by... but if Megan and I are on a trampoline, and she is jumping, and I am also playing a Bop-It then I try to call out the colors of cars... HA! Gone, empty, a void. My brain can't do it with all the other things. Being a lover of information, I find all this fascinating. I am sure it is also "fun" because everyone says I will make a full recovery. My minor deficiencies are so exhausting to work on, and my brain actually tells me it doesn't have to do it when it gets too hard (I ignore it and push on.) When it gets hard is when my brain is relearning and making new paths. I cannot fathom the great strength it takes if one has major debilitation. I shall send them a prayer, since I received many from people I have not met.

Some Notes about Having A Stroke

When I turned on the radio for the first time since I had the stroke and heard the piano themed music for Garrison Keillor's Writers Almanac, I teared up. Not that I love poetry, or Keillor. But that the world is still running along as usual and even though I feel like my world flipped 180 degrees .....it really didn't. The world is rolling along at the same pace, it is my perception of it that has become so keen.

If you have a stroke, DO NOT go on the internet. Reading that your chance of having another have just exponentially increased, that debilitating disability is very common, that you are more prone to neurological disorders and dementia, on and on can scare the shit out of you.

When they let me out of the hospital with no information and a few illustrated stroke pamphlets that looked like they were designed in the 1970's that weren't really targeted to my age bracket... I was a basketcase. The hospital had no specific information so I felt like there was a big clot just ready to make a move and paralyze me permanentally. Later someone who knew strokes told me the clot that caused the stroke is long gone, broken down by my body. That would have been helpful to hear right off the bat.
I am much better now. Every day is improvement, I lost 17 pounds (it is not that noticeable when one is 6' tall) tons of farm muscle (weakling!) that will come back as I start doing things. I am going to Physical Therapy tomorrow, should be interesting. It seems I am walking different, we shall see if it is true.
Keep your friends around you that make you laugh. When you stroke out, you have limited energy for experience -hearing, seeing, moving -- and things become very simple. People turn into energy... as in they either leave you with what little energy you have or they drain it. In the normal world, they would weave in and out of my life and I didn't notice, but right after the stroke I had limited reserves. I would literally close my eyes to stop the information coming in.
The issue of mortality comes right to the front. As in, wow, that could have so gone another way... paralysis, brain fog, loss of vision or the ability to speak. My body which has carried me along just fine, with strength, grace, and alot of coffee... all of a sudden became an unreliable vessel for carrying my life. But being that I cannot just go out and get another newer model, I have had to mentally adjust to "this body can fail" dramatically even though I have dependent children, hungry horses and an old farmhouse. It does not matter what I am, or who I am, or what I do... it is not my decision.
The hardest thing is my children. Wilder asked his father this weekend if he thought I was having a stroke while they were not with me. I know it is always on his mind as he searches my face for signs of "stroke drop." When I get tired and the stroke effects become more apparent, he will get very worried and ask me to rest. He is 12. His sister Rose is 16 and can hide her worry and fears with teenage nonchalance, but it is there in her tears. And, I can't just say everything will be fine, I will never leave you (as a child.) That sucks the big puppy. If it was only sheer force of will that could keep me alive, I would win. But, it seems, there is a certain amount of random unpredictability within our lives.

Clam Cannery in Port Townsend

The Clam Cannery Waterfront Hotel & Spa by turnherelocal">
My aunt and uncle came out last week from Michigan to check on me. They thought I needed to get away... so took me to Port Townsend. We stayed at the recently restored Clam Cannery Inn. It was lovely being right over the water in a fully stocked suite. It was also a test to see how long I could be upright and alert.... which a week ago was about 2 hours. Yesterday I was up for nine hours. Every day is an improvement, some things are repairing rapidly, like my typing speed and ability to stay awake and there are also slow repairs -- like the ability to touch my nose with my eyes closed (I am about an inch off with my wayward left hand). Yeah, I know, how often do you have to do that in a regular day?? But it reminds me that there are still some mysteries as to how my brain is damaged.
I was joking with my daughter Rose yesterday that I can blame SO MANY THINGS on the stroke where as before I had no excuse. Ditsy moment? Stroke. Potty mouth? Stroke. Drive too fast? Stroke. Floors not swept? Stroke. I get alot of humor mileage out of this which is good, because technically the whole thing does not fall in the realm of the comedic.
Also a quick note to friends. And my ma. I am a only child. That makes me somewhat (very) independent with an "I can do it myself" attitude. The first couple weeks I could not "do it myself" and people came out the woodwork to visit, offer help, make me laugh, feed the horses, take care of the chickens. My horseshoer came over and caught the horses and did their hooves. My neighbor got my mail and took the garbage out. The kids dad took off work which he does not do and continuously keeps things going. My mom kept the kitchen stocked, and everyone fed and driven where they needed to go. A friend brought food from her garden and wood for my firepit. Another took Wilder a couple days to be with her sons to take his mind off of me and let him be a kid again. But most of all everyone just continually checked in and gave me hugs, put me on prayer lists, and acted like it was all going to be okay and normal. And that was the best. Pics: I added a link to the Clam Cannery if you are interested, a photo of our room, & Ischemic Attack (stroke) victim (me) yesterday in Edmonds. Lookin' at me, you wouldn't know I had a stroke, other than when I get tired my left side gets a little droopy.

Blame it on the left hand

Things I think are funny:
1. Today I tossed a cup of miso soup in my hair and down the back of my neck. Why? Because I was carrying it in my left hand. I was feeding the horses and carrying a cup of miso... and had to go under the clothes line. (Always the multi-tasker) The flake of hay was in my right hand, so I used my left which had the cup in it to lift the line. The part that my sneaky strokebrain contributed was that between me picking up the cup, and me lifting the clothesline I became unaware that I had a cup in my hand. I believe this little trick of stroke-hood in medical terms is called neglect. I call it crazy.
2. Another example. As I have done for years, and I am pretty sure everyone else does, I use both hands when doing things. The difference is my left hand is only reliable until it forgets its supposed to be doing something. I put a glass in my left hand and filled it with water. As I put the water container down, my left hand let the glass drop, breaking it unceremoniously on my stove and floor. When this happens it is always a shock, like, how on earth did that happen??
3. Wilder and I were in the grocery, and he got a piece of pizza. He went off to wash his hands in the restroom as I held his pizza for him. Next thing I knew it went splat on the floor facedown. Left hand. He came back right as I was following the "two second rule" and asked incredulously if I just dropped his pizza. As I was dobbing the top with a napkin I said look at how clean I am getting this!

I decided I am going to try to keep an eye on that hand. Like literally watch it when I give it a task to see if that will keep my brain in the loop. The good thing is that the frustration of body parts not doing what they are supposed to is also turned off... so it doesn't bother me. (Other than hot miso in my hair and cleaning up broken things... ) It is not like I am trying to hold the cup and fail, it is that after a few seconds every memory of that hand is gone. If strokes weren't so damn terrifying this might be fun.

Weather Analogies

So far there is no reason they have discovered for the stroke. I have had two of every test, a light put down my throat to look at my heart, my arteries scrutinized for signs of plaque and blockage, MRI's and heart monitors. I have a clean bill of health. A good heart and arteries. My neurologist called my stroke "a lightening strike" my GP called it a "perfect storm".
My recovery is interesting. Every day is better, but there are still times when brain strength reaches sensory overload and just shuts down. As in, I need closed-eye time, not to sleep, just to reset. A sleep specialist said it best when describing my uneven nighttime sleep : since the brain had a major trauma, at night it repairs. And that is not a restful process.
At least I can type again, although slow. It was funny to see my typing right after the stroke... my left hand was waaaay slower than my right and so it would come out as typed gobbledeegook but my brain did not register that my hand was not behaving accordingly. Same with balance... I was stepping over a fence and caught my left foot which my brain did not recognize as caught. I know I have a left side, I can see it and feel it. I am just not aware of the space it occupies.

Stroke Update

Hello, I'm Andrea's daughter and I am just updating on her condition. She had a stroke that took place in the right side of her brain resulting in weakness in the left side of her body. She is getting a lot of tests done to see what the cause of the stroke was. She is getting better, but the recovery proccess is gradual. If you didn't know her, you might not notice anything wrong with her. She cant quite type right because her left side can't keep up with the right and that causes difficulties.

Left turn.

This is a little out of the ordinary. On Wednesday I had a stroke. It is Friday, and I am home, but I am not sure how frequently I will post for the next couple weeks. I will however, be reading all of your blogs to keep me entertained!