Options and Identity

Pic totally unrelated to topic: Next to the Edmonds ferry dock is an odd little wetlands of sorts. It is riddled with the noxious weed purple loosestrife in the summer.

This is what it is. I get my identity from my job. When I was an executive director or manager that was it. When I am not working, I still get my identity from my job - my mom job. When I am looking for work, it is a constant see-saw between keeping myself child focused or career focused. I can go for the higher paying fully sustainable income... with the subsequent dinnertime meetings and overtime or the easier less hours job that would require ex-husband financial assistance while the kids are still in school.
I see it has been good for my kids to have a parent more accessible and home as I have been since November (when I quit my job of eight years.) It feels like a pull between screwing my retirement and present independence for their home life stability. I actually have no problem with that at this point, I signed up for this mom job. It is just stopping me from moving forward. I want off the ex-husband gravy train. I spent many years paying to have other people help raise my kids at a preschool or after school program. It did some good things when they were excellent loving people and taught us all positive discipline and alternative ways of bringing up kids, but it was also crappy when they were unhappy gals in dead-end jobs that weren't particularly fond of small people. I see-saw alot on this topic.