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blueshoefarm at gmail dot com.... and that would be how to reach me

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Undoing the ties that bind - leaving a long relationship

This title is a little misleading  I left my long term relationship physically 6 years ago but have never succinctly wrapped it up like a little burrito to carry around as just another life tale.  Well, here I go. 
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him.  In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time.  I went out with friends and danced.  Oh, how I danced.   Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed.  We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part.  And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore.  Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week.  Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change.  I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen.  He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him.  So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse.  None of this was easy, or a light decision.  Our kids were young.  It was enormously stressful.   We were gearing up for the divorce.  I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff.  I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work.  It was all amicable, then bam, stroke.  Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance.   I have calmed down so much since then.    I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will.  But he will always be the kids dad.  And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up.  There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred.  I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person.  I remember the history, and at one point we were happy.  How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30  years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha.   I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce.  Well, forget that.  After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view.  Life is short.  My kids will navigate their lives.  Everything, and nothing,  we do guides them.  I think they will be okay.  They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary.  Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way.  Now I do!  

Wilder has this as his bookmark for school -- he loves dancing.

And there is always my half-painted house.  (I wonder if I could ever be happy in a house that did not need something done to it??) Waiting for spring and drier weather to turn the whole house RED!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

April 2013 to-do list

It has been a while since I did one of these.  It is long overdue.  I will try  to keep swearing to a minimum.
1. Finish building a garden gate so bunnies and deer don't free range my raised gardens.
2. Put down bark-rock-something around the raised beds.  So it is not just luscious weeds softening my footfall.
3. De-moss my barn roof.
4. Move the manure pile into a line next to the driveway for the sunflower wall.
5. Finish FINISH the upstairs bathroom. Arghh.  Put the plumbing in for the tub. Cover the plywood ceiling. Oh, this one makes me nuts.  I will so enjoy a bath.....someday.
6. Refinish wood trim on kitchen counters.
7. Build bookshelves. Now that I have my house supports done, I can put all my books in one area of the house. Yay!! Related: Decide where bookshelves should go.
8. Clean out garage. (Three car, I can't even tell you what is in there.)
9. Organize tools.  It is getting embarrassing.
10. Get horses in shape.
11. Pull down stunning acoustic tile in living room. I don't know how I will live without its beauty in my life... but I am willing to try.
12. Strap bathroom vanity to wall. (It has only been a year, after all)
13. Paint the flippin' farmhouse - inside and out.
14. Plan garden.
15. Find seeds that got moved to some unknown unspecified location, so that item 14 can be accomplished.
16. Make one more raised bed.
17. Plan margerita party, graduation party, birthday parties. Not all the same day.
18. Repair garage gutters.
19.  Pull out all horse tack and clean and repair as needed.  Get rid of saddles I don't use.
20. Have the horses teeth floated.
21. Buy shocks for the truck. Try to do it for less than the $1200 quoted.
22. Send my eldest off to college. 
23. Finish my medical tests and slide back into my career. 
24. Give my kids lots of hugs.  Whether their squirmy teenager-dom is comfortable with it or not. 
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