Undoing the ties that bind - leaving a long relationship

This title is a little misleading  I left my long term relationship physically 6 years ago but have never succinctly wrapped it up like a little burrito to carry around as just another life tale.  Well, here I go. 
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him.  In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time.  I went out with friends and danced.  Oh, how I danced.   Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound together..in love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed.  We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part.  And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore.  Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week.  Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change.  I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen.  He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him.  So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse.  None of this was easy, or a light decision.  Our kids were young.  It was enormously stressful.   We were gearing up for the divorce.  I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff.  I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work.  It was all amicable, then bam, stroke.  Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance.   I have calmed down so much since then.    I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will.  But he will always be the kids dad.  And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up.  There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred.  I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person.  I remember the history, and at one point we were happy.  How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30  years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha.   I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce.  Well, forget that.  After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view.  Life is short.  My kids will navigate their lives.  Everything, and nothing,  we do guides them.  I think they will be okay.  They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary.  Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way.  Now I do!  

Wilder has this as his bookmark for school -- he loves dancing.

And there is always my half-painted house.  (I wonder if I could ever be happy in a house that did not need something done to it??) Waiting for spring and drier weather to turn the whole house RED!

Options and Identity

Pic totally unrelated to topic: Next to the Edmonds ferry dock is an odd little wetlands of sorts. It is riddled with the noxious weed purple loosestrife in the summer.

This is what it is. I get my identity from my job. When I was an executive director or manager that was it. When I am not working, I still get my identity from my job - my mom job. When I am looking for work, it is a constant see-saw between keeping myself child focused or career focused. I can go for the higher paying fully sustainable income... with the subsequent dinnertime meetings and overtime or the easier less hours job that would require ex-husband financial assistance while the kids are still in school.
I see it has been good for my kids to have a parent more accessible and home as I have been since November (when I quit my job of eight years.) It feels like a pull between screwing my retirement and present independence for their home life stability. I actually have no problem with that at this point, I signed up for this mom job. It is just stopping me from moving forward. I want off the ex-husband gravy train. I spent many years paying to have other people help raise my kids at a preschool or after school program. It did some good things when they were excellent loving people and taught us all positive discipline and alternative ways of bringing up kids, but it was also crappy when they were unhappy gals in dead-end jobs that weren't particularly fond of small people. I see-saw alot on this topic.

Pro-crass-tiny-nation

Photo: Port Gamble

I think I type on here when I am procrastinating. And I am procrastinating.

Today action list. I write these every once in a while so when I am feeling like I am not getting anything done, I can review, and then remember I do get stuff done and to give myself a ripping break.

1. Picked up horse blanket.

2. Dropped off check to bank.

3. Bought new flour and yeast for sourdough making.

4. Pet cat.

5. Called vet for Bey (horse) who tried to colic.

6. Pet dog.

7. Checked on new guinea pig, Flambe.

8. Walked Bey.

9. Blanketed Bey.

10. Warmed water for Bey.

11. Bribed Bey to eat medicine with horse cookies. It did not work.

12. Yelled at Rose for thinking a "c" grade is just fine since it is average. (Don't talk to me about this, I am having be perfect/ be imperfect mother/daughter issues and realize it)

13. Yelled at Wilder for somethingerother. Probably having to do with his homework.

14. Quabbled about my flood bill with the water sucker-upper company. I am doing amazingly well with my terminology this evening.

15. Paid bills.

16. Swept leaves. Dumped 7 loads onto the compost, and still have more leaves. Damn big trees.

17. Plugged generator charger into outlet. 'Tis the season for power outages.

18. Bought things Glittergirl asked me to for her.

19. Had a phone meeting on Non-Profit Facilities while sitting in my car on the side of the road.

20. Caulked windows on south side with nasty toxic smelling clear caulk.

21. Frowned.

Usually these lists make me feel better, this one did not. Criminy, is it the weather? I am a huge grump today.

I think I hear a pirate ship of legos rolling across the floor upstairs. I need to go make someone walk the plank back to bed. Pray for their 10 year old boy soul, will ya?