Undoing the ties that bind - leaving a long relationship

This title is a little misleading  I left my long term relationship physically 6 years ago but have never succinctly wrapped it up like a little burrito to carry around as just another life tale.  Well, here I go. 
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him.  In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time.  I went out with friends and danced.  Oh, how I danced.   Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound together..in love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed.  We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part.  And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore.  Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week.  Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change.  I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen.  He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him.  So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse.  None of this was easy, or a light decision.  Our kids were young.  It was enormously stressful.   We were gearing up for the divorce.  I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff.  I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work.  It was all amicable, then bam, stroke.  Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance.   I have calmed down so much since then.    I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will.  But he will always be the kids dad.  And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up.  There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred.  I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person.  I remember the history, and at one point we were happy.  How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30  years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha.   I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce.  Well, forget that.  After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view.  Life is short.  My kids will navigate their lives.  Everything, and nothing,  we do guides them.  I think they will be okay.  They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary.  Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way.  Now I do!  

Wilder has this as his bookmark for school -- he loves dancing.

And there is always my half-painted house.  (I wonder if I could ever be happy in a house that did not need something done to it??) Waiting for spring and drier weather to turn the whole house RED!

The Single Mom Next Door

I have lived in Kitsap Co. almost three years. I have several acquaintances that would step in to help during an emergency. Also, neighbors that can pick up my kids from school if something happens or take them to baseball practice when I get delayed at work. But I don't have that nearby friend to call to commiserate on shoes, grey hair, grass allergies, paranoia and motherhood (those don't all necessarily roll together....although could on a rough day.) I still have my main Seattle friends as talking buddies and that is most evident when my cell phone bill arrives. There is a life I have thrown myself into here, that I didn't fully comprehend when I left the bounds of my 25 years with the kids dad. That of an easily identifiable and non-threatening wife and mother in a house with a volvo and minivan. Oh yeah, yeah, I am so much more than that, but for simple discussion we will talk of outward appearances. There is no thought involved to understand the life I used to lead. Kids in soccer, dance, piano. Worked part-time in a non-profit, and husband worked main-line business.
Now I live without a husband in a farmhouse on property. With two children and not working. Tell me what these words mean to you: Single mother. Unemployed. Living alone.
If that was all you knew... what do you see in your minds eye? Would you want your children playing with mine? How about inviting me over for dinner? Would I hit on your husband? Hit on your wife? Do I have a constant stream of unreliable men in my life and bedroom? Are my kids being exposed to drug and alcohol abuse? Am I on welfare?

I feel I have to explain myself more now. I have to gently move conversations to guide understanding of what I am doing, who we are, why we are here. So gently I go. Not necessarily patiently, but gently. I am the same woman, sort of.

Gushy Post on TDAmeritrade

Part of my visit to the financial advisor Irene was that she did a step-by-step blow by blow detailed account of how to proceed with my sloppy retirement accounts.
The first step was to open ROTH IRA's through Vanguard, TDAmeritrade, or wherever.
I liked Vanguards website, but she highly recommended TDA so I thought I would start with them and if I didn't like them, just switch out.
My first instruction from Irene was to open a non-deductible IRA account. That was #1 on the list "Open an IRA" .
I set up an account and funded it and then was sitting on some sort of stock buying page. Huh? Went back and saw that I had opened an individual investment account. I messed up my first instruction, the very first thing the website asks you is: what type of account do you want to open? My choices : individual, joint, or IRA. My instructions :open a damn IRA. My fingers and brain : opened an individual.
Dangit. So talked to automated TDA fellow Tom who told me to open another account and just transfer the funds. I did not want a fee assessed, so called the 800 number for a person to confirm since I seem to be a little "following instructions challenged" this evening.
A pleasant fellow answered the phone who gave his first and last name. He walked me through all sorts of things on the website, and we chatted of security password software, his wife, Trader Joe's, family and medical research. He clarified what I needed to do, and in what order. He is sending me something to sign, as I send him off other signatures.
This was the most amazing introduction into sending your money off into the internet ether. He was helpful, patient, and answered all of my repetitive sloth-like questions about what the heck I was doing.
If I just had someone calm and knowledgeable like that all the time about everything...
"OK, now I opened the leaking generator and fuel is shooting across the yard, what do I do now?"
"I just hit my truck with my minivan, is it better to pay out of pocket or tell insurance about this and file a claim?"
and it would all be taken care of with a signature and a pleasant conversation. My life would be so much easier. Who can I talk to about this?

Dreamin'

Being in the divorce mentality I had a dream last night.
In it, I was remarrying my soon-to-be ex. The traumatic part was that about an hour before the ceremony I realized I had gotten all the food ready, and guest list, and place etc etc but I had no wedding dress.
So pulled out my original wedding dress from 1994. It was a teeny bit tighter. Ha. All the people who have been included in my life the last 30 years were there. It was a potluck. I love potlucks. It was about 30 minutes before the wedding, and I thought "HOLY CRAP, what am I doing?" I can't do this again. I deserve much better than this when I venture back into a relationship.
And called off the wedding. Although, before my alarm went off to wake up, I remember telling everyone that we could still have the food potluck party, since there was some amazing dishes....
I think I was hungry.
This came out of another bloggers query about getting married. As in, how did you do it, how did your husband ask, etc etc. and I began thinking about all of that.

Financial Advice and Divorce

I went to a financial advisor yesterday. Looked up one that is a member of NAPFA, since they are fee-based only, and their advice is not affected by any commissions they may receive. The downside is since they do not receive those commissions, they charge a fairly high hourly rate. BUT, the advice is invaluable.

She rolled into talk of money markets, EFT, stocks, bonds, short term, long term on and on and on and my brain glazed over. My eyes were appropriately making eye contact and head nodding at the opportune moment, but my brain went far far away. I figure by the end of all this I will completely understand these concepts, but yesterday I was listening to a language I don't speak.

Then to throw in the upcoming divorce, and how to divide monies and responsibilities and bank accounts and ...

again, on and on and on.

Image: Totally unrelated empty MalWart interior. My financial advisor works out of a very nice waterfront home. Not Walmart.

Divorce Prep

I don't know how people do this. Besides a low level of anxiety I am having over everything under the sun... getting together the budgets, the savings, the house info, how to split things, who gets the tax write off on the kids, when the kids are at who's house when, and then formalizing it all with the State of Washington is daunting. Especially when I feel like it is all on my plate.
Since Dennis' family health insurance rocks bigtime, I have been doing all the things I procrastinated on before the separation. Some were unavoidable... such as the surgery I was supposed to be having for the last 5 years, or the glasses I can no longer put off getting (my great eyesight has turned into blurry distant mush.) It should be noted that at yesterdays general checkup, for the first time in the history of me getting my blood drawn, I have too much iron in my blood. This has never happened and let me tell ya, it is night and day difference for living.

Have went to a financial advisor to assist with cost of living issues (budget!), looking at schools for Wilder, getting Rose through driver's ed, dealing with her (and my) fluctuating mood rollercoasters, and standard stuff of getting them to dentist appts, playdates, piano class, all the while keeping those doors open for communication about all the crappy, mundane and joyful things they have to deal with at their age.
Michael and I both did budgets. In his, there is no cost associated with the kids. It is all his life costs only. He has no problem paying for all the things they participate in, or need for school, he just doesn't reflect that in what he considers his budget. When I was talking with our financial advisor and telling her about how we are going about the divorce process (amicably)... she asked ... "Why on earth are you getting a divorce??" It did not strike her that we battled enough for this. From the outside, most people think Michael and I get along too well for divorce. We don't throw things, we don't badmouth each other in front of the kids, he funds anything and everything that I want to do with and for the kids. They are also not realizing that at this point I am a "kept woman." Without Michael's income, I would not be living the life I am. Kept women generally have to be cordial. I worry when I get a divorce I will then turn nasty. How long can you keep anger going? I will let you know.

Being Married, being divorced

When I can step back mentally from my life, I see it is a giant continuum. When I am in it day-to-day, staring the grindstone right in the nose and not able to get a wider perspective, all I see is a long to-do list. Because of my inability to prioritize (or lack of desire to) divorce is just another item to cross of that big to-do list. Unfortunately, it also has much emotional crap tied up in it which makes it a bigger item to cross off. Unlike, say, putting up the bathroom mirror, which has very little emotion connected with it, other than if I smash my thumb flat with the hammer. Then there would be emotion.
Other folks around me also give perspective. I happen to have individuals who are all in various stages of partnerdom. And that lends mental assistance to what I am doing with Michael. This marriage thing is not an easy path, and when I hear tales of new marriage, of old marriage, of no marriage, there are struggles. Take two people, raised differently, plop them in the same relationship, and it can be dicey, cranky and insanely fun. How we handle it, how we cope, is a great guide (or not) on how I can navigate through these strange waters. I am just hoping I don't have a heart attack from the crazy anxiety. Fear sucks. Especially since I don't normally operate from a fear-based existence. I try to look at it as a Big Adventure that will soon be over.
Photo: The second of three big piles that were thrown out the bathroom window during the remodel. It seemed appropriate.

Weather, work and life

Two days ago: snow, 20`.
Today : Sun and wind, 50`.
Tomorrow : ?.
At least when it is freezing my window doesn't leak --always thinkin' of the good side of things......
Have been getting calls from my ol' job and the things they are doing. It is hard and difficult to turn off the 'director' button when you no longer work someplace. So alot of times I am very quiet. Which, as anyone who knows me will tell you -- is not my usual state. I suppose it is good for me to learn to be quiet.

Husband and I are finalizing our divorce. It has been drawn out, slow, and amicable. The sticky point is the kids, as I think it should be in all divorces that have 'em involved. We are doing our best with them, since we both love them to high heaven. I am very thankful husband puts them first, also. This divorce thing is a very eye-opening experience. Brings out all your core operating systems as a being. As in what makes you operate and hold yourself together in times of tough. I am fairly sure I will survive this whole thing, but it seems very appealing at times to bury my head in a hole in the ground like an ostrich. But I slog on.
On a house note: I took my first shower today. Probably the first shower that has occured in this house in 25 years. Not including water leaks that shower water into the basement....

Note from soon to be divorced woman to women who are not

Just because my marriage failed.... does not mean I hate men. It does not mean I am coveting your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend. It does not mean anything but that My Marriage Failed. It has nothing to do with anyone but my (former) husband and myself. It is not about you. I don't hate marriage. I don't hate commitment. Just because my marriage failed does not mean that you only tell me about when your marriage or partnership is having hard times - as if I am so much more receptive to hearing that sort of stuff or it brings me joy. Because I am getting a divorce does not mean that to commiserate with me you share "how you have considered divorce" or how unhappy you are with your chosen partner or "how you just can't stand your partner but can't leave for (insert reason here)." Take it up with a therapist.

Added Note: It seems this is a bit harsh. The base point I am trying to make is in a life, people are together, people fall apart, people pull apart. Yes, I am getting a divorce. But I was also part of a couple, (I thought happily) for 20 years. I was hitting a streak of people only telling me their crap stories about their (purported) loved ones. You all gotta deal with that. I understand being trapped, feeling powerless, getting stuck. But at some point you need to make a move, whether that be counseling with your partner, by yourself, or whatever. I can listen, but don't only pull negative stuff out of the air to think that will bond us. I actually like hearing the good stuff.