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blueshoefarm at gmail dot com.... and that would be how to reach me

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Honesty vs. Being a Nutjob.

A friend far away reads this blog.  She commented on my last few posts as being a little wacky, but very honest.  Well, yeah.  I am a little wacky and very honest, and she knows that.  There have been several directions  my life seems to be going, and I am still having issues with not controlling it.  I am so used to figuring everything out with my own skewed logic and brain power it is a challenge just letting things go.  I am not talking not mowing my lawn, not feeding my kids (although if you saw my house right now you would wonder about my letting go of keeping order.) But letting go of my future plans.  Understanding impermanence.  Basically all the crap I have heard about my whole life but made no sense.  Now, NOW, it makes sense.
This weekend I am 'getting away' to Oregon,  something I have not really needed since moving to this house.  The place I go is desolate and a special kind of beauty.  And whenever I go it just settles things.  Plus, my first dog's memory is on a mountaintop there.  And I have told everyone to cremate me and take me to the same place, which always seemed like a far off pie-in-the-sky time period.  It is not so pie-in-the-sky anymore.
While there I have a couple things to calm down about and figure out.  (Wait, did you not just hear me say I need to "let things go" and maybe "go with the flow"?) I am still workin' on that.
1. Someone asked me to watch their 6 month old.  This is not just any 6 month old, she is the greatest baby ever, and I am saying that when I have two kids which I thought were the greatest babies.  Infrequently, during the week.  My problem:  Being tied to my house.  Being tied to a baby, as deliriously joyful as she is.  And that whole caregiver role.  It is all I do. And babies take all your being.
2. I have a huge crush on my contractor.  I have not crushed since I was 19, and that man I married.  This man is just super outgoing, confident and quick minded which is a drug to me.  Well, that and coffee.  I know this will blow over and I will calm down but I feel like a nutjob.  Any tips? I feel too old for this.  My 17 year old should be doing this (not crushing on the contractor --  but being driven by hormones).  Sometimes I think men are more protective of a single female with her hands full.  I know my male neighbors keep an eye out and take care of random stuff without being asked (which makes me batshit crazy) . I have to remember the intent is not that they think I can't do it, but courteousness and being a good neighbor. Back to contractor: I also think he is looking for a great reference.  Like I said, it will all go away and blow over but right now it is a special kind of he** for me.
3.  I need to not avoid the medical field. That's it on that. 
4. I need to update my will and add a whole lot of end of life information.
5. I need to not be tempted to tell my daughter to go live with her dad when I am pissed. 

Oregon usually makes things very simple and clear.  That is what I need at the moment, clarity.


Jayne said...

I like your wacky honesty! It makes me feel like I'm not all alone in the world in my own wacky honesty.

Now, about this he married? Is he date-able? Or is unavailable and that's why crushing on him is hell? Inquiring minds want to know! Confession: I am 46 and have a crush so crippling that I can barely speak to the man, and when I do I stutter. Yes, at 46. Pitiful. ;)

Blue Shoe Farm said...

Oh yay, Jayne!! And I LOVE that you have a crippling crush, only because I can totally commiserate. It is great to not be alone in stumbling, stuttering and saying off-the-wall things. I am not a cenventional person but some of the things that come out of my mouth-- I listen to and think "what on earth did you just say"? I thought we were done with all this that at a much younger age --like 14. Info on crushman: divorced. IDK on date-able. When he tells me what he is doing it is never a "we". He has a dog. He told me how to level my door and drywall mud a really uneven wall. Total crush material.

Blue Shoe Farm said...
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