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blueshoefarm at gmail dot com.... and that would be how to reach me

Friday, February 22, 2013

Kids trump all

Taking up the most of my life is raising kids.  Yeah I gotta house that needs work.  Yeah my gardens are expanding and I am thinking of getting a greenhouse.  Yeah, I have a whole lotta animals and their respective vet bills.  But the bottom line that runs through every day is my two kids.  One, Rose, 17, is almost out of the house. A senior applying to colleges, her time is spent being a teenager in the best and worst sense of the word.  She takes AP classes and is in Debate. She has put a dent in every car except one. She has made questionable choices with her friends.  She seems to spend alot of time on hair and makeup. She yelled I HATE YOU once to me when really really angry.   BUT, I vaguely have a wispy memory from the recesses of my brain that I hated my mom at this age. She was so dumb. And her rules were ridiculous.  Of course, having my own kid this age brings back all those memories, so in some ways I imagine I am a very frustrating mom. It does not hurt my feelings when she yells that, I know that she needs to cut her tie to me.. to make a clear stride toward autonomy as I did.
The hardest thing for me is to let my children fail.  Not fail in the little things, but the big, hondo, impact-your-life kinda way.  My daughter has made some questionable friends.  On the outside they are all sugar and sweet, successful parents, they look a certain way... but there is some weird stuff going on in their families and in their heads and consequently they are on their way to having juvenile records for theft. (Seriously, who steals from Walmart.)  I caught Rose playing hooky with one gal and turned them in at school. (Actually another mom saw them and called me - the blessing of a small town!)  On a hunch, I had them both empty their bags.  A stolen bottle of vodka was emptied out of the friend's purse.  This is where I failed.  I was not willing to get them both suspended so I took the bottle and threatened them both to high heaven. They got in school suspension for cutting class.
My daughter was grounded for months.  The restrictions are lifting but she is being monitored.  So far she has been where she says she is, doing what she says she is doing.  But, BUT if she does something more serious with her "best friend" I need to not step in and rescue her.  I did not easily come to this conclusion.  Besides friends that are an ever-lovin' source of support, I have a therapist.  I brought her on board when I was navigating divorce, she stayed through all the mortality crap I have been through, and now gets to tackle a more challenging topic with me - teenagers. She talks with Rose, too, and is a neutral support system for us both.  We all have figured out that my stroke impacted both kids enormously (no, duh.) and unfortunately Rose is "working through" some things she does not have words for.  God how I wish my kids didn't ever have to experience that, but it is not for me to fix. 
Three generations cracking up.  Daughter, Mom, Grandma.

Siblings.  You have no idea how many dozens of pictures I have on the computer of them hamming it up. 

It is also a saving grace to have her dad living 15 miles away. The kids go there on weekends and I gallivant about the countryside.(OK, maybe gallivanting is a stretch, but I am childless for a solid day...)


Jayne said...

I think that's the hardest part of being a parent, letting them make the big mistakes. Hard, but necessary.

Blue Shoe Farm said...

You called it. Hard, but necessary.

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