Here is an unfocused photo of a house. Our house. Wednesday, May 18, 2016
May
Here is an unfocused photo of a house. Our house. 
Saturday, March 19, 2016
March
Crazy weather, anyone? This winter has been the wettest on record. It didn't dawn on me until we had four sunny days...and I was so happy! The grey can be draining.
It has been a while since The farm is plugging along. Older horses, full flock of chickens that are burying us in eggs, grass that is growing, flower beds with lush weed starts percolating up. Throw on top a teenager, new husband, high season at my job and I am not necessarily leading a calm life. Etc etc. at some point we need to come to the conclusion that I enjoy a little overwhelming nuttiness in my life.
The house is doing dandy... Well, other than this (drywall cracking)
And this (stair corner settling and cracking) 
But it is all to be expected when our foundation was leveled and strapped down three years ago. I also have a ceiling light that we cannot figure out why it does not work. Hold up, for how long??? Oh yeah. Three years. Three years I have had electric wires hanging out of the ceiling in my entry way for that inoperable light. In some ways I think if I type it then I will deal with it.
But it is all to be expected when our foundation was leveled and strapped down three years ago. I also have a ceiling light that we cannot figure out why it does not work. Hold up, for how long??? Oh yeah. Three years. Three years I have had electric wires hanging out of the ceiling in my entry way for that inoperable light. In some ways I think if I type it then I will deal with it. I've been busy. It became invisible. It is on our to do list!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Romance?
I was cleaning the house intently. Hanging pictures on the wall of the living room.
My partner WG walked in the living room. He mentioned I didn't answer a question he asked of me two weeks ago.
The question he wanted to hear was an answer I gave to my ex. Dennis had asked if I was going to marry WG.
I had told WG about being asked that. And then we started talking about something else.
On this day WG again asked what I told Dennis.
I walked across the living room to where he stood. If he wants to know my answer - there was something he had to ask.
Me: "Then ask the question".
WG: Will you marry me? His voice kinda skipped. (Very unlike him to lose his voice.)
WG: Will you marry me? His voice kinda skipped. (Very unlike him to lose his voice.)
Me: "yes".
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Dailies -quick update
Life in a nutshell...
One small cat hogging the dog bed.
Our rented sailboat in Greece.
Santorini.
2 of 17 hens. Actually, now the number is 15. Dang raccoons-coyotes-red tailed hawks.
Santorini.
Athens.
The kids in Germany.
We are having fun. Or more descriptively correct : we are having fun!
We are having fun. Or more descriptively correct : we are having fun! Saturday, May 3, 2014
Writing
Anyway, I know all our lives keep rolling along. Mine happens to be merrily, merrily, rolling along. I work a lot, (due at work in 45 minutes!) and plunk through everything else spastically. I wish I could say I am a methodical planned organized woman... but that would be a lie. I do know how to enjoy this life, though! Wishing you all balance and grace.
The computer generated light patterns on the Ferris wheel can be mesmerizing when I am going home. And yes, I am tired and maybe a little easily entertained at that point...
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Mississippi
I was at a ginormous farmers market with my partner. I purchased food at a vendor, and for some reason I wrote this story about her, and us.
The gal of river tales spooling around Interstate-5, singing a song for the entertainment of customers, and perhaps to increase her tip jar. To regale and entice as people ordered Mediterranean fare at a large outdoor community market. It was women primarily being served-- at this moment, one from California, one from Washington. Sacramento and Poulsbo, specifically. River differences were discussed... the Willamette, Columbia, Mississippi. Tale weavery of flow and slow sleepy hot rivers that bubble mercury pools when digging on the shoreline. Mississippi. Toxic to the hilt, but the community swimming hole nonetheless. There was a comparison of rivers. Rivers further west don't catch on fire. A gentle navigating of ferocious reactionary opinion. Politics. Left, right, up, down. The performer apologized and meant no insult as to her correction to liberal thought, thoughtfully though, and not to the actual woman who was being corrected. Apologies for words, not for thoughts.
Then, she faced the Washington woman waiting her turn to pay for food, relatively uninvolved in the whole. Once more the passive indirect is spoken. Woman was gregarious and rolled with it as she took money. Recognized importance of unimportance.
Money was exchanged for food, talked more of rivers. Banter. A man walks up, grabs fork from the jar and Washington woman's plate of food on the counter. Mississippi river gal pauses in front of woman, watching man- "Oh! I couldn't see you together." Ah, dear, but we are.
The gal of river tales spooling around Interstate-5, singing a song for the entertainment of customers, and perhaps to increase her tip jar. To regale and entice as people ordered Mediterranean fare at a large outdoor community market. It was women primarily being served-- at this moment, one from California, one from Washington. Sacramento and Poulsbo, specifically. River differences were discussed... the Willamette, Columbia, Mississippi. Tale weavery of flow and slow sleepy hot rivers that bubble mercury pools when digging on the shoreline. Mississippi. Toxic to the hilt, but the community swimming hole nonetheless. There was a comparison of rivers. Rivers further west don't catch on fire. A gentle navigating of ferocious reactionary opinion. Politics. Left, right, up, down. The performer apologized and meant no insult as to her correction to liberal thought, thoughtfully though, and not to the actual woman who was being corrected. Apologies for words, not for thoughts.
Then, she faced the Washington woman waiting her turn to pay for food, relatively uninvolved in the whole. Once more the passive indirect is spoken. Woman was gregarious and rolled with it as she took money. Recognized importance of unimportance.
Money was exchanged for food, talked more of rivers. Banter. A man walks up, grabs fork from the jar and Washington woman's plate of food on the counter. Mississippi river gal pauses in front of woman, watching man- "Oh! I couldn't see you together." Ah, dear, but we are.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Workin' woman
Wow. This last year has been an adventure! I am taking stock and gearing up for spring, time of renewal, time to get things going again...
Sadly, I sucked in the gardening department last summer. Absolutely. I think I got 10 tomatoes out of the deal. I also was too busy to tend flowers, which I love doing. Everything is a trade-off, and I'm okay with it all, I was having a lot of fun!
It is the time when I start looking for my garden gloves and clippers so I can go outside and put things in the ground. Primroses have already been purchased and planted and lend a wee bit-o-color on a grey day.
The year:
1. Our guinea pigs, Guinevere and Flambe, can now be visited in the pet graveyard that came with the house. No worries, it was natural causes.
2. I finally painted my living room! It only took almost two years, and three color choices spread at sporadic places on the walls before I committed and painted it fully.
3. There is a wonderful partner, friend, man in my life. And I am having a blast.
4. I was looking at jobs with my daughter, who is going to college, and saw one that I qualified for with a nearby 501(c)3. I applied and got it! I was going to look for a job by June, and here I am, a workin' woman again.
5. My "unusual" medical stuff seems to be in a holding pattern.
6. My daughter graduated high school, got a piece of work not-really-sane boyfriend, flailed around, quit college, pushed every button and limit I ever had...put her head back on, started college, ... and started seeing the same boy again. Argggh. Pretty sure she is not going down the same path but if she needs to go, I can't stop her. (Which kills me....but it is all part of life, and making mistakes, blah, blah, blah)
7. Growing more and more gray hair. (see above...)
8. Our son is growing leaps and bounds and achy and grumpy and joyous all within the same five minutes. Ah, to be 14 again.
8. Bought a new (used) car. It is a little zippy. I have already been pulled over for zippiness, not speeding. No ticket, however! Killer gas mileage. 40+mpg.
9. Almost started working on the upstairs bathroom again. Then it was decided to sister joists under that bathroom to stop the floor/ceiling from flexing which entails my dining room ceiling coming down. And, while we are at it, might as well re-do the dining room electrical. Waiting for that project to become a manageable size again with a firm cost. Oh, and I suppose the discretionary funds to complete it in my savings account would be nice. I would love a soaking tub again. Sigh.
Sadly, I sucked in the gardening department last summer. Absolutely. I think I got 10 tomatoes out of the deal. I also was too busy to tend flowers, which I love doing. Everything is a trade-off, and I'm okay with it all, I was having a lot of fun!
It is the time when I start looking for my garden gloves and clippers so I can go outside and put things in the ground. Primroses have already been purchased and planted and lend a wee bit-o-color on a grey day.
The year:
1. Our guinea pigs, Guinevere and Flambe, can now be visited in the pet graveyard that came with the house. No worries, it was natural causes.
2. I finally painted my living room! It only took almost two years, and three color choices spread at sporadic places on the walls before I committed and painted it fully.
3. There is a wonderful partner, friend, man in my life. And I am having a blast.
4. I was looking at jobs with my daughter, who is going to college, and saw one that I qualified for with a nearby 501(c)3. I applied and got it! I was going to look for a job by June, and here I am, a workin' woman again.
5. My "unusual" medical stuff seems to be in a holding pattern.
6. My daughter graduated high school, got a piece of work not-really-sane boyfriend, flailed around, quit college, pushed every button and limit I ever had...put her head back on, started college, ... and started seeing the same boy again. Argggh. Pretty sure she is not going down the same path but if she needs to go, I can't stop her. (Which kills me....but it is all part of life, and making mistakes, blah, blah, blah)
7. Growing more and more gray hair. (see above...)
8. Our son is growing leaps and bounds and achy and grumpy and joyous all within the same five minutes. Ah, to be 14 again.
8. Bought a new (used) car. It is a little zippy. I have already been pulled over for zippiness, not speeding. No ticket, however! Killer gas mileage. 40+mpg.
9. Almost started working on the upstairs bathroom again. Then it was decided to sister joists under that bathroom to stop the floor/ceiling from flexing which entails my dining room ceiling coming down. And, while we are at it, might as well re-do the dining room electrical. Waiting for that project to become a manageable size again with a firm cost. Oh, and I suppose the discretionary funds to complete it in my savings account would be nice. I would love a soaking tub again. Sigh.
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| Port Townsend, Ft. Worden beach. |
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Blue Shoe got a Restoration Award!
Well, in all truthfulness, not really the house per se, but the contractor got an award for the work he did on my home. He did do a great job... insulation, wood windows, age appropriate siding, plus all the structural work in the basement. As it was phrased in the award ceremony...."an appropriate restoration with a restrictive modest budget"... meaning I was always on them about cost details.
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| It seems like this is a summer 2013 picture - dead grass, daisies in full bloom. Note the chair outside the window? That would be one of the kids not having their key to get in the house so they clamber through my bedroom window. |
Monday, October 14, 2013
Exterior of farmhouse is painted!
Before and after...I rather miss the blue, how it blended with the sky. BUT do so love red. I also put the wood supports back on both porches and replaced rotten siding where the roofing runs into contact with vertical walls -- primarily the lower level rooflines on the porch and "ell" addition.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Housing, Boating. Parenting
Good lord a mercy I have been having a life. After our sailboat journey this summer I was asked in passing, rather casually, if I would be interested in sailing around Vancouver Island. Knowing that is quite an adventure... lots of weather, currents, waves I answered I wanted to see the boat's nether regions first. Next thing I know we are hauling out in Port Townsend and I am looking at the bottom of a boat. What am I looking at? What am I looking for? Who knows, but there I am.
Next, turns out, the boat is being painted. Teak is being replaced. My daughter and I installed fresh new name letters on the stern. There is talk of new sails.
Then we finished painting my front door and house. Which looks great!
And then my daughter, my lovely, gentle, kind, intuitive college bound girl, postponed college. There is a boy she fell in love with, some really squirrelly, negative choices, and endless challenges have knocked on her door. I have been trying to stay calmish and healthyish all the while riding this wave without drowning, or letting any family members drown.
But that is all firmly part of living. Can't avoid, ignore, deny the unpleasantries, they run right alongside all the joyful parts.
I will not say my life is tedious or boring.
Next, turns out, the boat is being painted. Teak is being replaced. My daughter and I installed fresh new name letters on the stern. There is talk of new sails.
Then we finished painting my front door and house. Which looks great!
And then my daughter, my lovely, gentle, kind, intuitive college bound girl, postponed college. There is a boy she fell in love with, some really squirrelly, negative choices, and endless challenges have knocked on her door. I have been trying to stay calmish and healthyish all the while riding this wave without drowning, or letting any family members drown.
But that is all firmly part of living. Can't avoid, ignore, deny the unpleasantries, they run right alongside all the joyful parts.
I will not say my life is tedious or boring.
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| The sign company said putting these letters on the boat would be excruciatingly easy. They sooooo lied. |
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| Front door painted. Cheery bright... orange? I avoided a pic of the clutter to the left of my door. You know, the fence posts, garden plants waiting to go in the ground, mud shoes, clippers, feed bucket. |
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| One whopper of a rainbow while out sailing... |
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Old Boats and Old Houses
I believe I have been fairly clear in my fondness for a home that is was created in an pre plastics, polymers and composites era. A home with some age to it. That has seen a few things, lived through some times, for better or worse. A home constructed from timber within a couple mile radius, that doesn't offgas petrol byproducts into your home. A storyteller with four walls.
I am moving more into "appreciation" of the above type home, and the owners who love and maintain them... as opposed to owning said home and being responsible for its upkeep. That is a never ending money pit, similar to owning a boat.
I discovered a whole new layer of ownership insanity this weekend. Well, I always knew about it, but the level that one can descend into it was eye-opening.
Old boats. We have pulled the sailboat out into a boatyard to give it a fresh coat of bottom paint. We took a walk a couple nights ago and saw some amazing boats.
We walked around a corner and off in the distance was this hue of mud looming gigantic over the roadway. This one made me sharply realize I should never own a boat. Because I am strongly drawn to this type of project. I get the idea of seeing this boat sit sunken and derelict in the water for a couple years, only its mast sticking up out of the water... and wanting to pull it out and rescue it. That Is Insanity.
.
Turns out there is a slight reason for this insanity... this is a boat John Steinbeck wrote about. Built in 1937, Steinbeck and a marine biologist friend chartered it soon afterwards building tales with it. Its most recent home was drowned in gunk in Anacortes. Estimated cost to fix? 1 million. And it will never float again. Even I, nutty person for old things with stories, would not venture onto this project. Although I have to say, I would volunteer to help for a time.
I am moving more into "appreciation" of the above type home, and the owners who love and maintain them... as opposed to owning said home and being responsible for its upkeep. That is a never ending money pit, similar to owning a boat.
I discovered a whole new layer of ownership insanity this weekend. Well, I always knew about it, but the level that one can descend into it was eye-opening.
Old boats. We have pulled the sailboat out into a boatyard to give it a fresh coat of bottom paint. We took a walk a couple nights ago and saw some amazing boats.
We walked around a corner and off in the distance was this hue of mud looming gigantic over the roadway. This one made me sharply realize I should never own a boat. Because I am strongly drawn to this type of project. I get the idea of seeing this boat sit sunken and derelict in the water for a couple years, only its mast sticking up out of the water... and wanting to pull it out and rescue it. That Is Insanity.
.
Turns out there is a slight reason for this insanity... this is a boat John Steinbeck wrote about. Built in 1937, Steinbeck and a marine biologist friend chartered it soon afterwards building tales with it. Its most recent home was drowned in gunk in Anacortes. Estimated cost to fix? 1 million. And it will never float again. Even I, nutty person for old things with stories, would not venture onto this project. Although I have to say, I would volunteer to help for a time.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Sailing to the San Juan Islands
I just finished a weeklong tour of the San Juan Islands via a 33' sailboat. Gorgeous weather the whole time, I was with an experienced sailor who knows his boat inside and out. Therefore, on the last day when we headed out across the strait of Juan de Fuca, with a small craft advisory that whipped us across that long strait in a few hours, I had no concerns other than seasickness.
There were a few pondering moments....noticing we were the only boat on the water except for a Navy ship... the only boat in the major shipping lanes from Seattle and Tacoma on a weekday.... I pondered a "huh" but had no worries. Noticing my upper back was sore for three days afterwards for solidly yanking on the tiller to keep the sailboat on course while we surfed the waves- and I was not the primary person on the tiller.
Noticing at times one side of the boat's gunwale skimmed alternatively on top and then slightly underwater as the waves rolled with, through, alongside us.
By the time we got into port it was dark. Another highlight : learning how to avoid moored boats in the dark. A very quantifiable skill- I don't think I can add it to my resume, however.
Bottom line is the boat has a certain gravitas, and solidly loves to be upright. That is not to say I was very aware that if I was alone on that sea... the boat would not have fared as well. I follow instructions well when it is important!
There were a few pondering moments....noticing we were the only boat on the water except for a Navy ship... the only boat in the major shipping lanes from Seattle and Tacoma on a weekday.... I pondered a "huh" but had no worries. Noticing my upper back was sore for three days afterwards for solidly yanking on the tiller to keep the sailboat on course while we surfed the waves- and I was not the primary person on the tiller.
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| The San Juan Islands (central), Vancouver Island (left) , and northern peninsula of Washington (bottom). I am writing of sailing somewhat where the green line runs from Friday Harbor to Port Townsend. |
By the time we got into port it was dark. Another highlight : learning how to avoid moored boats in the dark. A very quantifiable skill- I don't think I can add it to my resume, however.
Bottom line is the boat has a certain gravitas, and solidly loves to be upright. That is not to say I was very aware that if I was alone on that sea... the boat would not have fared as well. I follow instructions well when it is important!
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| Note the horizon line is not level. So the boat (33' Luders) is even more angled than this pic. We are heading to the left land form directly ahead. |
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
RED farmhouse - preliminary
My painter is coming over to do the preliminary assessment for painting the farmhouse. I won't have a two-tone house anymore, which I am sure will make the neighbors happy. (Not that I ever succumb to doing things for the neighbors...).
I was walking the perimeter the other day and noticed the south wall siding is gapping. I did not replace this stuff, it is old and cracked. It was not as bad as what I did replace, but getting close. And now that the foundation settled, it moved and separated even more. My friend Simon recommended that I let him send over his two carpenters to re-side the rest of the south wall. I still have a paint job and bathroom to fund, so south wall siding is not in the budget. As appealing it is to just take care of it. Oh, and a kid going to college next year. So my house budget is going away rapidly....
The color chosen was found on here http://redfarmhouse.blogspot.com/p/our-journey-here.html
I have already painted the new gable end a version of this color, but I picked a more buttery trim color. Now I am just undecided if I am going to paint my garage and barn this color....considering Eric is due in one hour, I better decide!
Gee, I will have to change the blue farmhouse picture on my blog. I better plant some sunflowers quick!
I was walking the perimeter the other day and noticed the south wall siding is gapping. I did not replace this stuff, it is old and cracked. It was not as bad as what I did replace, but getting close. And now that the foundation settled, it moved and separated even more. My friend Simon recommended that I let him send over his two carpenters to re-side the rest of the south wall. I still have a paint job and bathroom to fund, so south wall siding is not in the budget. As appealing it is to just take care of it. Oh, and a kid going to college next year. So my house budget is going away rapidly....
The color chosen was found on here http://redfarmhouse.blogspot.com/p/our-journey-here.html
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| Image from www.redfarmhouse.blogspot.com |
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| The soon to be red farmhouse. |
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
May and June happenings- pictorial essay.
In a nutshell: Life is rolling along at a busy clip, dogs, cars, kids, love. Rose is graduating on Saturday, after tons of drama. Piles. Mountains. Someday I will be through this and look back and laugh. Right now though, not much mirth. A little, because that is what I do.. but not an overabundance.
Meanwhile a friend sent a link to a Darius Rucker song - It Won't Be Like This For Long, that made me tear up in my car on the ferry. When I say tear up, I had to stop the song because I was going for all out sobbing. About a daughter growing up -- I am such a weenie. When I watched it later I was fine. It must have been a moment of weakness....or hormones.
Meanwhile a friend sent a link to a Darius Rucker song - It Won't Be Like This For Long, that made me tear up in my car on the ferry. When I say tear up, I had to stop the song because I was going for all out sobbing. About a daughter growing up -- I am such a weenie. When I watched it later I was fine. It must have been a moment of weakness....or hormones.
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| Rose's 18th- celebrated in her fave Indian Restaurant. |
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| Wilder's 14th birthday. |
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| Getting ready for his singing debut... |
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| Geri and her new friend, Henry! |
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| New (used) car with EXCELLENT gas mileage. Yay! |
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Electrical : Part 2 of 23
So I posted pics of the installed GFCI here.... (Click on me, right here, right now). This makes my electrical line profoundly more sensitive to problems - which it is having. To figure out where the snafu is we are breaking it down into baby steps. Whenever the entry way light is flipped on in the kitchen, the GFCI blows. First step : we started with the switches. When you take the cover off you may see that all three are from different manufacturing eras, different materials and none are what you can buy in 2013. Of the three switches, only two actually turn on anything. We replaced the two switches. They are certainly old. The wiring makes me "nervous" to say the least but I am feeding off the confidence of the fellow helping me. He basically says : yeah, you live in an old house that has some old things, get over it and we plug onward.
Second step : After replacing the working switches the GFCI still blows when the entry light is turned on. So next stop is to evaluate the fixture.
The minor, small issue is that this line controls outlets and fixtures in four rooms of my house. If this one light fixture is not the culprit we have alot of detective work to do. Fun! What is life but a monster house project to-do list?
Second step : After replacing the working switches the GFCI still blows when the entry light is turned on. So next stop is to evaluate the fixture.
The minor, small issue is that this line controls outlets and fixtures in four rooms of my house. If this one light fixture is not the culprit we have alot of detective work to do. Fun! What is life but a monster house project to-do list?
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| Quick guess. Which is the offending switch? |
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| I love electrical work. I love taking off covers and seeing wires like these powering my house. |
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| Pretty sure the Bryant ceramic switch on the left is from my house's early electrification. The other is "Slater". The third I didn't replace is a Sears. |
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| This sort of stuff just warms my heart. Dirty. Funky. Electrical. |
Thursday, May 16, 2013
House Maintenance
Yesterday I went to put a towel on the rack in the bathroom and it fell off in my hand.
My lawn may be approaching the height of the Serengeti after a good rain. I could have hidden lions in it.
The pantry shelving in my laundry room decided to collapse. Boy, I had a lot of food in that pantry. Luckily only the canned pears and pear butter broke. (I am joking as to my perceived luckiness, sugary smooshy things that flow across the floor and everything else are not fun.) And why did this happen? Did the previous owners use minimal attachments when placing it on the wall? Would you be surprised if I said yes?
I poured a whole cup of coffee on my nightstand. (You might be surprised just how often I do that. There may be too many books on the nightstand and I may not be looking where I am putting it down. Maybe.)
My house is still cracking and settling from the post and beam work in January. Every week is a new lesson in "Huh. That is a new and interesting crack in my dining room/kitchen/ceiling/wall".
There are a lot of little things beginning to fray around the place. I suppose it is spring, and we all have extensive to-do lists. I am going to put on some offensive (but really bouncy) music and get to work today.
My lawn may be approaching the height of the Serengeti after a good rain. I could have hidden lions in it.
The pantry shelving in my laundry room decided to collapse. Boy, I had a lot of food in that pantry. Luckily only the canned pears and pear butter broke. (I am joking as to my perceived luckiness, sugary smooshy things that flow across the floor and everything else are not fun.) And why did this happen? Did the previous owners use minimal attachments when placing it on the wall? Would you be surprised if I said yes?
I poured a whole cup of coffee on my nightstand. (You might be surprised just how often I do that. There may be too many books on the nightstand and I may not be looking where I am putting it down. Maybe.)
My house is still cracking and settling from the post and beam work in January. Every week is a new lesson in "Huh. That is a new and interesting crack in my dining room/kitchen/ceiling/wall".
There are a lot of little things beginning to fray around the place. I suppose it is spring, and we all have extensive to-do lists. I am going to put on some offensive (but really bouncy) music and get to work today.
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| Towel rack. I have noticed they work better when attached to something. |
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| Just looking at this picture is daunting. I am glad no one was in here. This is before I knew pears were involved. |
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| The poor coffee and tea stained nightstand draining after the most recent douse. |
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Negotiating with a man - Part 2
So does this sound ideal or what? I am a woman with an old house. Always seem to be fixing it. I started dating a contractor. What's not to love? What draws me to him is not actually his chosen career, that is how I was introduced to him, what draws me to him is laughter and brightness. Because of that career there are times he problem solves on my house just out of habit. I am not so comfortable with that. It is not his baby. It is not his gateway to freedom from a empty marriage. It is not his calm and beauty all wrapped up in a cracked plain farmhouse. To me it is all that.
I left my husband with this house. I have had no decision making help so far. It is a loud knocking at my door of (perceived, delusional) self-sufficiency I think I have going on here to let someone share in this work - in this house. There are some minor(major) bumps for me in skipping down a relationship path with a basket of cookies for grandma. One, I may have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my house. Two, I may have some boundaries that are tough to cross.
For starters, let's say for the sake of argument, I might be a tad bit independent- maybe even fiercely independent, although with a strange dependence streak. I might have equity - equality issues. And, last but not least, there might be some major trust issues left behind from my marriage. Nothing highly unusual for a woman who has lived a life.
So, accepting help on something like working on a simple issue for my house is a huge quandary for me. I vowed in the beginning I was not utilizing his skillset other than as verbal assistance, and even then only after months of seeing him. Heck, maybe years. The focus was that he is going to be having meals with me, walking, talking, driving, dancing... not managing my home repair list. My house is an eternal money pit. I could be doing something on it everyday. I still have not replaced sections of bug-chewed fir flooring. It is not fully painted. I haven't changed out porch supports for ones with less insect holes. There is that upstairs bathroom that is not quite done. On and on. Yes, it would be "easy" to hand over my to-do list and follow his lead. But it would be crippling. (And bottom line is I won't do it.) That is not equitable. In my world, there have never been things "that men do" and things "that women do". Maybe things "that men do easier" and likewise for women, but a lot of that is cultural. I know for many people this is crazy talk. They cannot imagine their lives not interwoven with another life where reliance, dependence, being taken care of --are strengths to a relationship, not code words to run like hell. I get that. They are not necessarily bad things. We are products of our environment. I was raised by a single mom. A very competent intelligent educated woman. She led a very self-directed life, with a focus on me. It was a great environment to grow up in. There was a large support group of friends that supported her. Bottom line though, is she taught me to be independent. Do it myself. Or learn it. And my mother being a librarian I had access to a gateway to all knowledge - books. Books can only do so much. They don't drive you to a hospital, help you build stalls, drink tea and knit with you, make you laugh when you want to dive into darkness. So I am learning balance. Which is a great thing to learn.
There is this other thing. The thing I am a bit out of practice about. On how to share my life. How to be a partner. I think there can be a bit of trading off of skills that can happen. My inclination is to line them up on ledger paper in clean debit and credit columns. I know this is not practical. But taking the subjective and making it objective with maybe a bit of logic thrown in is very appealing. But I am well aware this is my fantasy life thinking it calls the shots.
And, lastly, for the record, I am just babbling. I am not alone in the wilderness on this, there is actually another person involved in this relationship who verbalizes excruciatingly well. So even if I think I get to make all these pseudo rules? I don't. So voila. I get to share my life. I get to challenge my independence issues daily. I'll let you know if I start grinding my teeth. So far, so good, we seem to be negotiating just fine. Although I am still a bit iffy on the electrical.... but the everlovin' cool thing is that he will talk to me for as long as it takes until my concerns and red flags about whatever I am winding up about have been allayed. And that right there is what will keep me joyful.
I left my husband with this house. I have had no decision making help so far. It is a loud knocking at my door of (perceived, delusional) self-sufficiency I think I have going on here to let someone share in this work - in this house. There are some minor(major) bumps for me in skipping down a relationship path with a basket of cookies for grandma. One, I may have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with my house. Two, I may have some boundaries that are tough to cross.
For starters, let's say for the sake of argument, I might be a tad bit independent- maybe even fiercely independent, although with a strange dependence streak. I might have equity - equality issues. And, last but not least, there might be some major trust issues left behind from my marriage. Nothing highly unusual for a woman who has lived a life.
So, accepting help on something like working on a simple issue for my house is a huge quandary for me. I vowed in the beginning I was not utilizing his skillset other than as verbal assistance, and even then only after months of seeing him. Heck, maybe years. The focus was that he is going to be having meals with me, walking, talking, driving, dancing... not managing my home repair list. My house is an eternal money pit. I could be doing something on it everyday. I still have not replaced sections of bug-chewed fir flooring. It is not fully painted. I haven't changed out porch supports for ones with less insect holes. There is that upstairs bathroom that is not quite done. On and on. Yes, it would be "easy" to hand over my to-do list and follow his lead. But it would be crippling. (And bottom line is I won't do it.) That is not equitable. In my world, there have never been things "that men do" and things "that women do". Maybe things "that men do easier" and likewise for women, but a lot of that is cultural. I know for many people this is crazy talk. They cannot imagine their lives not interwoven with another life where reliance, dependence, being taken care of --are strengths to a relationship, not code words to run like hell. I get that. They are not necessarily bad things. We are products of our environment. I was raised by a single mom. A very competent intelligent educated woman. She led a very self-directed life, with a focus on me. It was a great environment to grow up in. There was a large support group of friends that supported her. Bottom line though, is she taught me to be independent. Do it myself. Or learn it. And my mother being a librarian I had access to a gateway to all knowledge - books. Books can only do so much. They don't drive you to a hospital, help you build stalls, drink tea and knit with you, make you laugh when you want to dive into darkness. So I am learning balance. Which is a great thing to learn.
There is this other thing. The thing I am a bit out of practice about. On how to share my life. How to be a partner. I think there can be a bit of trading off of skills that can happen. My inclination is to line them up on ledger paper in clean debit and credit columns. I know this is not practical. But taking the subjective and making it objective with maybe a bit of logic thrown in is very appealing. But I am well aware this is my fantasy life thinking it calls the shots.
And, lastly, for the record, I am just babbling. I am not alone in the wilderness on this, there is actually another person involved in this relationship who verbalizes excruciatingly well. So even if I think I get to make all these pseudo rules? I don't. So voila. I get to share my life. I get to challenge my independence issues daily. I'll let you know if I start grinding my teeth. So far, so good, we seem to be negotiating just fine. Although I am still a bit iffy on the electrical.... but the everlovin' cool thing is that he will talk to me for as long as it takes until my concerns and red flags about whatever I am winding up about have been allayed. And that right there is what will keep me joyful.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Negotiating with a man - Part 1 - Electrical
I think I mentioned in passing I am seeing a fella. Great guy. GREAT guy. The only problem is that he is involved with an "independent" woman... me. A somewhat unconventional woman leading a somewhat conventional life.
He has a skillset that I covet. He has 35 years of home building and renovation under his belt. Damn. So, when I have say -- a light in my bedroom that flickers on and off as Wilder walks in the room directly above--obviously an electrical snafu of some sort that is high on my freak-out scale, he looks at it as an easy adventure and repair he can do.
We are still negotiating on this sort of stuff. I have issues with - let's see for starters - being taken care of. Being paid for. Being bought. Being dependent. I think those are adequately loaded words for starters on how I feel. So when said fella says he wants to "look at" my electrical as I head off to an appointment I think "yeah, that is fine". Go ahead and look and tell me what you find.
Return a few hours later and get an email communique that he added a GFCI (ground fault circuit interrupter) to the line so that will go off if there is a short before the breaker trips. A GFCI monitors the amount of current flowing from hot to neutral. If there is any imbalance, it trips the circuit. It is able to sense a mismatch as small as 4 or 5 milliamps, and it can react as quickly as one-thirtieth of a second. It adds a level of electrical sensitivity/safety to wires that seem to be having an issue before we figure it all out and fix it.
OK. There is a difference between looking and doing. He acted.
And I am torn, since I hate electrical problems and he just took care of a portion of it.
The GFCI tripped last night and I went down this morning to reset it. I was gone this weekend so did not see what he had done. He spent 30 minutes and a lot of hand motions explaining how this all works to me over the weekend, without me seeing the actual product. So that all made sense as he told it and I expected to see the addition of the GFCI downstairs that I now needed to reset. When I went downstairs and saw this... I just laughed. Somehow when he explained this it was all simple. HA. This is not simple. None of it.
He has a skillset that I covet. He has 35 years of home building and renovation under his belt. Damn. So, when I have say -- a light in my bedroom that flickers on and off as Wilder walks in the room directly above--obviously an electrical snafu of some sort that is high on my freak-out scale, he looks at it as an easy adventure and repair he can do.
We are still negotiating on this sort of stuff. I have issues with - let's see for starters - being taken care of. Being paid for. Being bought. Being dependent. I think those are adequately loaded words for starters on how I feel. So when said fella says he wants to "look at" my electrical as I head off to an appointment I think "yeah, that is fine". Go ahead and look and tell me what you find.
Return a few hours later and get an email communique that he added a GFCI (ground fault circuit interrupter) to the line so that will go off if there is a short before the breaker trips. A GFCI monitors the amount of current flowing from hot to neutral. If there is any imbalance, it trips the circuit. It is able to sense a mismatch as small as 4 or 5 milliamps, and it can react as quickly as one-thirtieth of a second. It adds a level of electrical sensitivity/safety to wires that seem to be having an issue before we figure it all out and fix it.
OK. There is a difference between looking and doing. He acted.
And I am torn, since I hate electrical problems and he just took care of a portion of it.
The GFCI tripped last night and I went down this morning to reset it. I was gone this weekend so did not see what he had done. He spent 30 minutes and a lot of hand motions explaining how this all works to me over the weekend, without me seeing the actual product. So that all made sense as he told it and I expected to see the addition of the GFCI downstairs that I now needed to reset. When I went downstairs and saw this... I just laughed. Somehow when he explained this it was all simple. HA. This is not simple. None of it.
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| Above is the part I laughed at. Not the actual lovely GFCI (below the white outlet to the left of the electrical convolutions) but this box of wires. Yup. This is why I don't (yet) touch electrical. I have the feeling I will be soon, however... |
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Prom Season
So my daughter looked at prom dresses about a month ago. Her friend found one for $200, Rose found one for $1400. Ha. I heard nothing else about prom stuff until this weekend. One week before the actual day. She has no dress, no shoes, no hair plan, nails, etc etc blah blah.
A good friend asked her to go to prom with some beautiful flowers and her favorite coffee drink. (We are such NW people, bribe us with coffee and we will pretty much do anything!)
She was stressin'. With nothing to wear, and a week until the show. We got on the ferry after school Monday and blazed through traditional bridal/event dress stores, department stores, boutiques. Found nothing. Was hot footing it to the late night ferry and had 30 minutes before the ferry left to blaze through a large downtown department store. She pulled five dresses into the room. When she put on the second she became instantly excited about prom. It is the dress for her. She ran downstairs to find shoes and the salesman gave her a 10% additional discount along with their sale price. It was a good day.
A good friend asked her to go to prom with some beautiful flowers and her favorite coffee drink. (We are such NW people, bribe us with coffee and we will pretty much do anything!)
She was stressin'. With nothing to wear, and a week until the show. We got on the ferry after school Monday and blazed through traditional bridal/event dress stores, department stores, boutiques. Found nothing. Was hot footing it to the late night ferry and had 30 minutes before the ferry left to blaze through a large downtown department store. She pulled five dresses into the room. When she put on the second she became instantly excited about prom. It is the dress for her. She ran downstairs to find shoes and the salesman gave her a 10% additional discount along with their sale price. It was a good day.
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| Rose and Nick. Prom 2013. |
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Undoing the ties that bind - leaving a long relationship
This title is a little misleading I left my long term relationship physically 6 years ago but have never succinctly wrapped it up like a little burrito to carry around as just another life tale. Well, here I go.
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him. In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time. I went out with friends and danced. Oh, how I danced. Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound together..in love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed. We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part. And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore. Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week. Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change. I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen. He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him. So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse. None of this was easy, or a light decision. Our kids were young. It was enormously stressful. We were gearing up for the divorce. I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff. I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work. It was all amicable, then bam, stroke. Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance. I have calmed down so much since then. I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will. But he will always be the kids dad. And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up. There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred. I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person. I remember the history, and at one point we were happy. How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30 years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha. I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce. Well, forget that. After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view. Life is short. My kids will navigate their lives. Everything, and nothing, we do guides them. I think they will be okay. They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary. Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way. Now I do!
And there is always my half-painted house. (I wonder if I could ever be happy in a house that did not need something done to it??) Waiting for spring and drier weather to turn the whole house RED!
I was with Michael 9 years before I married him. In those 9 years I was in college and he worked full-time. I went out with friends and danced. Oh, how I danced. Michael did not go, since he was too tired from working too many hours. We were very independent during this time, different lives but wound together..in love. We slid into marriage because I was ready to have kids. I was going to leave him over it, and he proposed. We had 'em, raised 'em, and there was a huge lapse in relational judgment on his part. And a huge "If I don't see it - it is not happening" on my part. We worked long hours keeping busy. There was therapy. There was a big national parks summer trip when the kids were 5 and 9 that drove it home I cannot participate in the marriage anymore. Four weeks on the road with them, and he joined us for a week. Something about stepping out of my too-busy life made me realize it would never get better - I might never heal and forgive, and he did not have it in himself to change. I needed that month with the kids to see just what was happening, and what would never happen. He is a nice guy in a generic sort of way, with our generation man problems, just too toxic for me. I was not whole when I was with him. So I separated from Michael, took the equity out of our Seattle house and bought this 1904 farmhouse. None of this was easy, or a light decision. Our kids were young. It was enormously stressful. We were gearing up for the divorce. I found the lawyer. I was pulling together money stuff. I was raising the kids. Then finished that damn book for work. It was all amicable, then bam, stroke. Two months later and I would have not had the caliber of doctors I accessed because I would not had his insurance. I have calmed down so much since then. I am still separated now, I need that insurance, and he is fine because I raise our kids. He has never lived in my house, and never will. But he will always be the kids dad. And they are my priority, and thankfully his. We are not a traditional break up. There is a lot of history there that we have not colored with hatred. I don't have it in me, I am not that kind of person. I remember the history, and at one point we were happy. How people disengage is complex and convoluted and even though his behavior was the impetus, I was involved and present.
Michael has been dating since we separated. I had issues with that not because I wanted him back but because I wanted him to help me teach our kids what a relationship is. He can't do that, I know. It has only taken me almost 30 years to figure that one out (and I think I am so smart) ha. I was stubborn and would not date until I had that divorce. Well, forget that. After 6 years of being separated, I am letting go of that moral view. Life is short. My kids will navigate their lives. Everything, and nothing, we do guides them. I think they will be okay. They are seeing their mom happy in a different way than they have ever experienced, and it is opening them up. Rose creates conversations she never would have previously with me. Wilder is navigating the approach to becoming a man. I wish I would have known this years ago, I shouldered an enormous load that in many ways was unnecessary. Well, I guess it was necessary because I did not see any other way. Now I do!
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| Wilder has this as his bookmark for school -- he loves dancing. |
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